The Government of India today announced a new Ministry of Astrology to assist the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in its functioning. The ministry has been sanctioned to predict China’s moves on the world map, so Indian officials can preempt and execute the same before their Eastern counterparts.
Spearheaded by the National Planning Commission, this policy came into being after having witnessed China’s meteoric rise in prominence in the world. The Chinese have joined the Americans in robbing Africa’s resources, refuse to kowtow to any of America’s demands, and have struck fear across the world by being the only existing organization to have pwned Google. Meanwhile, India’s ex-BFF Russia is busy finding new ways to annoy the EU, and mass-producing an army of Ova-s to conquer Wimbledon. India’s new BFF U.S. is busy handing out money and weapons to India’s never-was-and-never-will-be BFF Pakistan. India’s previously supplicant neighbours are busy bitching about India and making it ‘J’ by getting cozy with China.
This marks a significant departure from current Indian policy, which has been to keep in touch with random countries by dispatching Dr. Shashi Tharoor (who then talks to them about India’s Sikh PM, Italian dictator PM head of ruling party, and ex-Muslim president), and keeping silent on any world affair of significance till every other country has acted upon it, and then taking the path of least resistance.
When asked what aspect of Chinese foreign policy India would adopt to deal with Pakistan, Congress spokesperson Tom Vadakan said, “Their India policy, of course! They fight with us over our land, we fight with Pakistan over, oh, um, well, their India policy”. And our policy towards China? This got an “Oh,” from Mr. Vadakan, who, however, could be heard mouthing, “Now who does China consider more powerful than themselves? Oh, darn, no one, we should have thought of that…”.
The Communist Party of India reacted to the news with protests in Parliament, claiming it was India bowing to US imperialism. “We will protest with red flags till the government revokes this bill.” said CPI(M) chief Brinda Kart, and continued for five more minutes, distinctly under the illusion that people still care. The BJP has been caught on the back foot by this announcement; the inclusion of a traditional Indian science in the government has made it unsure of how to react.
UP Chief Minister Mayawati hailed the decision as “revolutionary and brave“, and promised to set up a similar ministry in her state for Internal Security. However, sources tell us that this ministry is actually to match horoscopes for her daughter who is of marriageable age.
Bejan Daruwala, and the tarot reader on Set Max during World Cups are said to be in the running for Chief Advisory Astrologer.
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NOTE: Yes, it’s perfectly possible for this to happen in India, but no, this is entirely made up. If you do hear about it anytime though, remember, you saw it here first.