GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES NEW MINISTRY OF ASTROLOGY

The Government of India today announced a new Ministry of Astrology to assist the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in its functioning. The ministry has been sanctioned to predict China’s moves on the world map, so Indian officials can preempt and execute the same before their Eastern counterparts.

Spearheaded by the National Planning Commission, this policy came into being after having witnessed China’s meteoric rise in prominence in the world. The Chinese have joined the Americans in robbing Africa’s resources, refuse to kowtow to any of America’s demands, and have struck fear across the world by being the only existing organization to have pwned Google. Meanwhile, India’s ex-BFF Russia is busy finding new ways to annoy the EU, and mass-producing an army of Ova-s to conquer Wimbledon. India’s new BFF U.S. is busy handing out money and weapons to India’s never-was-and-never-will-be BFF Pakistan. India’s previously supplicant neighbours are busy bitching about India and making it ‘J’ by getting cozy with China.

This marks a significant departure from current Indian policy, which has been to keep in touch with random countries by dispatching Dr. Shashi Tharoor (who then talks to them about India’s Sikh PM, Italian dictator PM head of ruling party, and ex-Muslim president), and keeping silent on any world affair of significance till every other country has acted upon it, and then taking the path of least resistance.

When asked what aspect of Chinese foreign policy India would adopt to deal with Pakistan, Congress spokesperson Tom Vadakan said, “Their India policy, of course! They fight with us over our land, we fight with Pakistan over, oh, um, well, their India policy”. And our policy towards China? This got an “Oh,” from Mr. Vadakan, who, however, could be heard mouthing, “Now who does China consider more powerful than themselves? Oh, darn, no one, we should have thought of that…”.

The Communist Party of India reacted to the news with protests in Parliament, claiming it was India bowing to US imperialism. “We will protest with red flags till the government revokes this bill.” said CPI(M) chief Brinda Kart, and continued for five more minutes, distinctly under the illusion that people still care. The BJP has been caught on the back foot by this announcement; the inclusion of a traditional Indian science in the government has made it unsure of how to react.

UP Chief Minister Mayawati hailed the decision as “revolutionary and brave“, and promised to set up a similar ministry in her state for Internal Security. However, sources tell us that this ministry is actually to match horoscopes for her daughter who is of marriageable age.

Bejan Daruwala, and the tarot reader on Set Max during World Cups are said to be in the running for Chief Advisory Astrologer.

……………

NOTE: Yes, it’s perfectly possible for this to happen in India, but no, this is entirely made up. If you do hear about it anytime though, remember, you saw it here first.

 

Aah, Kimmie

Everybody likes Kim Clijsters. She kids around with journalists at press conferences, always has something nice to say about her opponent, visits children’s hospitals while she’s touring, and treats her entire town to a drink when she wins grand slams. There was the issue of mental frailty, but when she ran through the pack at the New York last December, we hoped, that just maybe, Kim was a changed person-tougher and more able to handle pressure. Yet Kim, unlike her more stoic Belgian colleague, is not a great player, and will never be one.

At the third round against Nadia Petrova, Kim started off with a flurry of unforced errors- her usually reliable groundstrokes missing the lines by huge margins, a 40% first serve percentage, and what looked like almost lazy shot making. The first set whizzed by faster than a Roddick serve, Clijsters failing to win a single game. And then she gave up.

In the first game following the 6-0 rout, Clijsters started with a double fault. If that didn’t say it all, her tense face and jerky body language certainly did. Petrova played an attacking game, serving hard, coming to the net a few times and taking her chances, and Clijsters did all she could to help her. It was a total collapse, and even the normally gracious Clijsters later said she had let Petrova win.

Federer at his best is a daunting sight, but what distinguishes champions from the rest is their ability to raise the bar when they aren’t playing well. It’s that ability to serve up an ace in a tie-break, to tire out the opposition by hitting that extra ball back, to summon up every reserve of doggedness within oneself. Clijsters, one would think, definitely has the game for that; her athleticism and solid strokeplay would make for a scrappy opponent. These and a few-thousand strong crowd could not make her win, for she didn’t believe she could.

An extraordinary woman was ordinary on court yesterday. For once, we wish that ‘nice Kim’ was ‘tough Kim’ instead.

 

#Feghoot Attempt1

No-one blogs anymore. Sure, twitter’s the coolest thing on the net, but dying blogs are sad. Like when you revisit a city you used to live in, and reminisce about the good times, and how the big fat ugly MCD that has replaced erstwhile park-with-sugarcane-juice-vendors has ruined everything. So try this. The Feghoot. A story with a pun at the end. Preferably a groan-worthy one. It’s doing the rounds on Twitter (yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention I’m on the dark side too), and it’s addictive. So here goes.And anyone reading this who has a dying blog- TAG, make up your own one. And read some really bad (read good) ones here, here, here and here.

—

It was 2010. The war of the Internet Giants was on. VinDoze and Giggle were the two most powerful software companies around, and the global netspace was their battleground to reign supreme.

Larry, CEO of Giggle was the nice guy. Retaining users’ trust was much a part of Giggle’s vision as was taking over the world. Clearly, Barack Obama was his idol. Eve, CEO of VinDoze, on the other hand, was more in the Bush frame of mind- if you can’t beat’em nicely, bulldoze’em. This worked for a while, but people were tired of getting bulldozed, and Gigglers weren’t complaining.

One day, the head of a powerful but authoritarian regime summoned Larry and Eve, and offered them an opportunity to expand internet services in his country. This profitable venture, however, came with a clause- the regime had to have access to everything. Internet or no internet, privacy would not be permitted.

Larry and Eve let the leader know they would get back to him. As they stepped out of the office, Larry could already hear the cash registers ringing in Eve’s brain. He sighed.

Back in his office, his advisors hovering anxiously around him, Larry was deep in thought.

“Sir, potentially, country X does have a billion users…”, said one of the MBA-types.

“Access to a market like that…”, offered another.

One would think people with 6 figure salaries could offer more.

“Well, what about all that we’ve stood for? Do we let that all go down the drain?” he thundered.

“Well, sir, if we don’t, somebody else is going to exploit the situation. And you do know…”

Larry finished his sentence.

“I do know Eve will.”

 

Lesson 3.

While walking alongside the road, do not stop in your tracks and gape foolishly at the vehicles, wondering why the buses don’t have doors.

 

Lesson 2. Understand your Mobile Phone

So I was to meet Dr. Vishal at four pm at a computer cluster I had never been to. Having made a mad dash from my dorm to the cluster, I reached, panting, at 4.05pm (that’s Lesson 1. Never Underestimate Jetlag) only to find the cluster inaccessible. And reached for my brand new, already scratched AT&T mobile phone to ask Dr. Vishal if he was already inside.

I started typing, only to realise that prediction mode was on, and that ‘Vishal’ clearly isn’t a word in dictionaries worldwide. In a hurry, I furiously tried getting my numbed fingers to find the ‘prediction off’ mode, praying my prof. wasn’t like the only other Prof. I know from here- Dr. Ben: who expects you to be not a minute late- and in my hurry, I hit ‘Send’. Ka-boom.

My first ever message to my Professor of two months:

“Hi Dr. Visibl”

*****

I haven’t been around Boston (jetlag’s the excuse ), but I crossed over from Cambridge across the lovely Harvard Bridge to Boston, and the difference was so stark. The imposing grandeur of MIT on one side (along with the very ordinary, homely-looking dormitories), and on the other side a scene that makes you feel you’ve stepped into a toyhouse. Brick-red or brown buildings with bright green windows that look like they’ve been stuck on, little pubs at every street corner, and a hustle that I haven’t seen on campus yet.

Speaking of the grandeur of the university, you get used to the fluted columns, the engravings (though this will never fail to awe me), the dome, and begin appreciating other quotidian aspects of MIT; the noticeboards (there’s one: Demotivators, one of which is ‘Stupidity: Winners never quit, and quitters never win, but those that neither quit nor win are idiots’), the research displays, the sheer body of intelligence that you seem to be engulfed in. And you realise that MIT gives these buildings their grandeur now, that it’s not the other way round anymore.

*****

Work awaits, apparently people here work on weekends too.

And oh, here’s what LAT had to say on the C.Ron transfer:

“The hair-gel industry in north-west England suffered a catastrophic blow Thursday in a world-record sports transaction after which the soccer marvel Cristiano Ronaldo seemed Spain-bound.”

ha ha!

 

Even though I forgot…

Life doesn’t have to be complicated, you know. Being happy is easy. We have the same 24 hours Da Vinci did; and while he mastered art, architecture and science, we crib, and crib, and crib some more about the NUS workload. Huh?!

Time spent with friends is time well-spent. Anyone can be your friend; what’s the deal with ‘incompatibility’ anyway? Look at things from another point of view; the picture is often clearer.

Machaan, keep it simple.

To one of the most likeable, mokkai-pottifying, modest, leg-pulling, understanding, loyal, warmest people I know, who lives by this book…

Happy Birthday Eli

PS: No, this is no attempt to make up for my forgetting it

 

It Happens Only in India.. um, NUS

Ever wish there is an enriching experiential session to address your key concerns as a male and quickly improve your personal appeal to attract that special someone? Do you wait months and years for her answer only to discover she got just attached last night — to a guy she barely knew for less than an hour?!! Ever throw your hands up in the air and exclaim, “That’s it! I’ve had enough!”

Do Not Wait! Join THIS Event announced on the NUS student portal:

What Women Want – How to be the One Women Desire

Here’s your chance to clear the doubts and find out what really goes on behind the ladies’ world, take what really works to make your personal life more exciting, enriching and exhilarating than before!

In this no-holds barred exciting session, you will discover…

Why do some men keep getting rejected and how you can minimize or even eliminate being rejected…

The secret techniques of making women desire to draw themselves closer to you!

Why some guys could be attached in less than an hour and how you can too!

What are the rules of attraction for guys and why is everyone designed to play by them!

What makes a woman decide you might be the man she wants!

The hidden ways and strategies of getting ladies to open their hearts, seeking to be with you more and more…

How to make a woman think about you constantly!

Answers to all the burning questions you have been wanting to ask…

And much, much more…

(Due to the confidential and highly sensitive nature of the information, this program is STRICTLY for MEN only. Participants are required to sign a non-disclosure agreement prior to attending the workshop.)

Alas! Being female deprives one of such wonderful opportunities. Let me know if you’re going, will you?

 

C’est ma vie

Along came a sunny Sunday morning, and off I headed to tuitions. On my way to the bus stop, I saw my batchmate V heading towards me. And thus followed a bout of friendly conversation, which went something like this:

Me: Hey! How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around for a really long time!

V: Hey…! I’m good, yeah, been busy with ragging…and ” *looks at me earnestly*, “I’m off for a game of cricket actually.”

Me: Oh! Cool!

All of a sudden, the little green man in my head whispers to me.
Psst, Shweta. Just a thought. This is not V. This is someone else. And you have no idea who he is.

Me: *inner gasp of realisation*

Me: Oh…, ok then, see you around!

V: Bye!

Green Man: No, Shweta, no, don’t injure yourself, don’t injure yourself…
THWACK!

 

Welcome to the Olympics

Read Carefully.

About Us:

When it comes to quality and durable sports wears and sports requisites, Shiv Naresh Sports escorts all others in the manufacture of sports requisites. We are renowned manufacturers and suppliers of sports wears and sport requisites tailor-made specifically for atheletic, basket ball, boxing, gymnastic, hand ball, hockey, judo, korf ball, kabaddi, net ball, swimming, shooting, volley ball, wrestling, weight lifting etc.
With core emphasis on quality commitment and services since its inception, we have built up strong market niche and prominence among sports lovers. Our unwavering commitment to class and exact suitability of it’s sports items, we initiate a string of inspection covering every minute of the production.

Presenting…

Shiv Naresh Sports: official suppliers of kits to the Indian Olympic team.

And their webpage title: “Shiv Naresh Manufacturer of Man, Womens, Athletic Sports Wear Equipment, Synthetic Turf and Electronic Scoreboards”

 

Rainy Days and (sic) Saturdays..

Just another Saturday evening, R4 lounge.

Aishu and I love contemplating our future. Her plans mostly revolve around all the wonderful places she’s going to travel to when she graduates and like all successful* NUS graduates, has enough money to hop around the world visiting her favourite cities. Mine involve joining any organization that’ll take me, and well, you’ll find out.

Aish: Oh, after we graduate, I’m moving into your apartment, ok? No backing out, I need to have a confirmed place to stay in.

Me: Yeah ok fine. Though I’ve already decided I’m going to stay in Anupama’s apartment. She, you see, will definitely have a job then. Confirmed stay.

Aish: Hmm point..

Me: Yeah. I’m going to stay with her. I’ll also cook for her when she goes to work.

Aish: *Blink*

Aish: HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Aish: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now, also in the room is J, who, unlike the two of us, however, is not rolling on the sofa like a half-drunk half-wit.

J: *while contemplating a call to IMH** *

Um, why are you two laughing?

Aish: HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!

J: Um..

Me: J, I don’t blame you. You need a level of cynicism before you understand. You see, we’re two highly insecure individuals who’re absolutely sure we aren’t going to get jobs, and cracking dark jokes about our lives really helps relieve the tension.

Aish: HAHAHAHAHA!

Me: HAHAHAHAHA!

The look of enlightenment that I had expected to form on J’s face didn’t really appear.

Story of our lives.

*Or so they say.

**Institute of Mental Health